How to Tick People Off

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
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The Ultimate Rejection Letter

Herbert A. MillingtonChair - Search Committee412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson UniversityCollege Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, Iregret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer mean assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in […]